Well here it is, what you’ve been waiting for all week, my definitive advice on what to do with difficult people. Are you ready?
Nothing. That’s right, nothing. Difficult people are that way as a result of some combination of low emotional intelligence and poor interpersonal skills. On Howard Gardner’s list of 8 types of intelligence, they lack Intrapersonal and Interpersonal Intelligence.
Unfortunately, difficult people have learned this type of behaviour somewhere. Changing your own behaviour is difficult, very difficult and changing other people’s behaviour is almost impossible. Think about how hard it is to quit smoking, quit drinking, exercise regularly, or stop eating crap. Now think about how you may have tried to get someone else to change theses things. Tough eh?
So no amount of whatever advice you read on the net will work. Telling people you don’t like their behaviour, walking out, coaching them, these all will fail. You have a chance if you’re their boss but it will take constant effort over a very long time to change their behaviour.
Since there is nothing you can do to change their behaviour, what is left? Avoid them, ignore them, limit exposure to them, don’t let them invalidate you, and don’t let them affect your own well being.
Just look at difficult people the same way you do the parking ticket you got, the rotten apple you just bit into, or the pile of dog shit you just stepped in. This too shall pass.
Strangely enough, I find myself very much at peace with your advice. There is a simplistic beauty about the lack of influence one can exert on a ‘difficult person.’ In the words of the wise sage, Homer Simpson, “You tried and you failed. The lesson is never to try!”
I will try to remember the “dog shit” analogy on my next encounter with the difficult person. I got a real hearty chuckle outta that, Charles. As you probably have assumed through my endless replies on this subject I have a tough time with difficult people. Your advice will most definitely keep me from allowing my blood to boil too hot, and laugh off the stubborn single-mindedness of the next crop of difficult people who are inevitably in my future.
Great job, good sir – not just this week but every week. Thank you for sharing your perspectives and elevating the collective consciousness of all of us who follow your blog.
Glad you like it and take so much time to comment. keep it up.
Charles – I like your advice and could not agree more. To stimulate discussion and get opinions, I have a question for you/others. So, you diligently practice avoidance and take a ‘do nothing’ approach…but suddenly the person ‘wakes up’ and notices you have been treating them this way and they call you on it (because they are difficult!).
I see myself torn between one of two responses and welcome others’ thoughts:
1. Act surprised and say, “I don’t know what you are talking about” and walk away? OR
2. Calmly say – “you are a difficult person and I wish to limit our interaction to the bare minimum (or words to that effect!).
Thoughts/oomments?
I’ll participate, Bob D! (why stop now?)
1. Fight difficult with difficult! Very Zen. But you’d be lowering yourself to their level, and could be motivating the person to engage in a full-on feud to win back the upper hand. The difficult ones I’ve encountered do not lose, and like ‘The Terminator’ will persist until they are dead or destroy their target.
2. Let me know how that works out for you. While that plan of action is direct, maintains integrity, and is honest (values I wholly respect and promote and wish there was a greater abundance of), there may exist a high rate of failure. Remember that the difficult people WILL NOT LOSE – no matter how wrong they are or if better alternatives exist. And if in the event you gather the support of others who agree with you, and are able to make a case where Mr./Mrs. Difficult has no choice to acknowledge their behaviour, they will be awaiting (maybe even creating) any opportunity to make your life difficult again.
In my experiences, I’ve found these difficult people to be quite intelligent (not to be confused with wise). In their narrow-mindedness, they do see the finish line, they see how they are going to get there, and they feel they should be the ones dictating to all others their responsibilities. The stupidity lies in their belief that the world should be made up of their clones, and they simply cannot see that this idea is so incredibly farcical, limiting and unrealistic. And if we think for a second that their minds can be changed then maybe we are being difficult with ourselves.
Bob, I am on your side. I am of the belief that there MUST be a way to thwart difficult behaviour. There MUST be something or someone who can enlighten the difficult, make them more of a team player, explain to them that there are perfectly good reasons why The Confedarate States were vilified, that sexual preference is not a choice, and that the Earth does in fact revolve around the Sun.
Do I smell a NY Times Best-Seller in the works? I’ll buy that book in a heartbeat. “How to Deal with Difficult People,” by Charles Plant, Bob D and Gord.
Unfortunately no matter what you do, it’s a no win situation. That’s the thing about difficult people. My advice in all these situations always is: “If in doubt, apologize.” (This actually works well with members of the opposite sex as well.)